Review of Getting Serious About Getting Married

Author Debbie Maken closes her controversial book, Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness with "If you have read this far, I assume your reaction will either be 'hate it' or 'love it.' No one walks away from my material lukewarm." For the most part this seems to be true. Boundless writer Candice Z. Watters praised the book (albeit not without pointing out a few flaws), while Christianity Today's Camerin Courtney didn't care for Maken's message. However, apparently I'm one of the few and far between who closed Maken's book still standing on the fence between love and hate. I loved portions of it, while at the same time felt that Maken was a bit extreme in the communication of her message. I knew that if I'd read this book as a single, I would've put it down encouraged in some respects, yet frustrated and depressed in others.

Let's start with what I loved. One, the message that marriage is God-ordained and something to be sought after is much needed in a society such as ours, where many seem reluctant to embrace responsibility. Additionally, it's good to remind women that fertility does begin to decrease with age. However, as I read the book I was concerned with what seemed to be an idolization of marriage. Yes, marriage is wonderful. I would much rather be married to my husband than be single. There are no and's, if's, or but's about that. However, I went into marriage knowing that I was marrying a sinner; that marriage would fill some of my needs, but that it wasn't the end all and be all. It didn't guarantee consistent, unwavering happiness. I understand that Maken is exalting marriage to such a high place because that's what her book is selling: marriage. However, I'm concerned that if women read this book without balanced teaching as I had pre-marriage, that they will enter it with unrealistic expectations.

Without a doubt, my favorite part of the book was part 3. In it Maken gives women practical ways to get serious about getting married. She encourages "saying no to the dating game," "enlisting agency," and "inspiring men to biblical manhood."

As someone who courtship worked well for, I eagerly embraced her chapter on saying no to dating. She's not saying that women shouldn't go out on a date with a guy to see if there's potential. Instead, she's pointing to a new way of approaching and defining dating, as something not casual, but as a step toward seeking marriage. The questions Maken equips women with are great. She encourages readers, before the end of a second date, to "ask his intentions and motives," "ask about his history," "be honest" about their desire for marriage, "to set limits," and to "just say no" to future dates if there isn't the potential or desire for marriage on one or both parts. Her point is that after three months the couple should know if the relationship is headed toward marriage. While this may seem too fast for some, it's what happened for me and my husband. We were engaged within four months of starting our courtship, but determined prior to that (at about three months) we wanted to marry one another.

The chapter on enlisting agency, which is a bit of a puzzling term, points to asking those you respect and trust, such as parents, to help you find a suitable mate. Maken argues this point well. A big part of her argument is having accountability, which forces the man to only pursue if serious.

Maken also hits a home run with her chapter on how to encourage biblical male leadership. Had this chapter not been included, it may have left readers frustrated with her earlier discussion of lack of male leadership being the cause of prolonged singleness. Women may have closed the book asking, "Okay, so that's the problem, but you didn't tell me how to help solve it."

Now, here's what I didn't so much care for, in addition to it fostering unrealistic expectations in marriage ...

Maken's main point is that prolonged singleness is wrong. However, I think that women who are still in their 20's, are pursuing marriage, but haven't gotten married yet could find this book depressing when they shouldn't. Not only that, but feel pressure to just go out and get married without also being sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit. When I met my husband, I didn't know at first that we'd end up together. I did take the steps of responding to his interest. I wasn't sitting around waiting for a sign before saying, "Yes, let's explore this." However, I wouldn't have married him if I hadn't felt a clear direction from the Lord that, yes, this was who He wanted me to marry. I think this book is lacking the balance of, "What does God have to say about me marrying this particular person." It's seems to stop at: Find a Christian man. Get married.

Additionally, I'm concerned about the emotional state Maken encourages. She tells readers, "It's okay to feel miserable about not being married." She points to people feeling miserable in the Bible as evidence that it's okay for us to practice this also. While I agree with her statement that we should be free to express our feelings honestly to the Lord, I think that Maken misses finding joy in the journey. It's almost as if she's encouraging generations of single women to not simply be motivated toward to marriage (which is a good thing), but to walk around unhappy, depressed, and miserable while they seek it. I think that Carolyn Mahaney in her book Feminine Appeal offers a more balanced view of emotions. She writes:

As Christians, our lives are to be characterized by joy. C.S. Lewis once said: "It is a Christian duty, as you know, for every to be as happy as he can." We can fulfill this "duty" to be happy by refusing to yield to sinful feelings. Like Hannah, we too can know true joy in the midst of trying circumstances, if we submit our hearts to God's truth."

As noted in this quote, Mahaney uses Hannah as an example of someone who responded to unwanted circumstances -- not being able to conceive when a child was desperately wanted -- with bitterness, anger, and despair. Mahaney says she was corrected for her bitterness by Elkanah. She writes, "Hannah responded to Elkanah's correction. She poured out her soul to the Lord (v. 15). Then Hannah 'went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad' (v. 18)." Maken, while she does warn against bitterness, writes that we should feel justified in "sometimes feel[ing] sad, angry, and even bitter." She writes, "to act otherwise when we feel these things is to live a lie." She misses that fact that simply because people experience certain emotions in the Bible doesn't mean that there isn't sin behind how they are acting in the midst of less than ideal circumstances. She misses exactly what Mahaney points out -- that "we too can know true joy in the midst of trying circumstances."

In the end, Getting Serious About Getting Married, is worth reading. Maken makes some excellent points. However, readers should take some of what she says with a grain of salt, realizing that she is being extreme (or so, I found her as such) on some items because that's often how writers are taught to sell an argument -- with extremes.